Face, Skin and Décolleté

I am no beauty queen, nor am I makeup obsessed.  Make-up isn’t something I live for, nor die for. I can leave the house without makeup, though I hardly ever leave without eyebrows or mascara. However, I do know a little something about the trials and tribulations of skin. I was on two rounds of Accutane as a teenager; you know, the heavy stuff. As a result my adult skin is bountiful with large pores, but I probably only get 5 pimples a year max (unless I’m pregnant).  I have slept in makeup most of my life. A few years ago I was with my father and brother. We all have different variations of the same nose. I remember looking at the pores on his nose. I never thought anything of the giant craters, and I am sure he never did either, but it hit me, that was my future nose, and that is no nose for a woman. So after many different experiments with many different skin care products, expensive and cheap, I arrived at the most amazing products in the world, Dr. Hauschka. I definitely want to emphasizes that skin care is leaps and bounds more important than makeup. The goal of skin care is not to have to wear so much makeup, and those that wear tons of makeup generally do not have good skin care. In addition to looking for the best products, I also wanted ethical products, but like with everything, I straddle that grid too.

I should probably include some hysterical joke about the title and what your décolleté is (believe it or not we all have one), but I am struggling for wit right now. My first site of the term was in the Dr. Hauschka brochure with directions to include my décolleté in my beauty procedure. Quite concerned that I might not have a décolleté I googled it. Apparently it is the upper part of a woman's torso. I think in the terms of skin care it means the area between your neck and your breasts, what a simpleton such as myself might call, your chest.

The Brands

AlimaPure sends great, little samples with  all orders

Ethical, Humane, Mostly Vegan:

•             Dr.Hauschka
•             Stila
•             Tarte
•             AlimaPure (supporting small business bonus)
•             PeaceKeppers (they specialize in "cause-metics")

The other side of the grid:

•             Dior
•             Anastasia

The Process

(“process” sounds like it takes a long time, it doesn’t)

Night:

I brush my teeth with homemade toothpaste at night. In the morning I think I need the stronger rat poison stuff. (Homemade: baking soda, coconut oil and peppermint oil)

Dr. Hauschka Cleansing Milk- wash my face with this and warm water (all of these products are meant to be patted into the skin and not rubbed, use Dr. Hauschka’s press and roll method)

Charlie Banana Wipes- I use these wipes and LOVE them for my face. They are really baby bum wipes (though these have never seen a baby’s bottom). They are so soft and two sided. I use the soft side at night and the rougher side in the morning to apply my toner since it isn’t absorbent). I splash my face with cold water after to close the pores.

Dr. Hauschka Rose Day Cream Light- I like this at night, it is thicker than what I use in the day. You really don’t need as much as is pictured. It smells great and sometimes I find myself petting myself because it is so soft. Dr. Hauschka argues against night creams; however, my skin is always itchy and dry at night, so I use it.

Raw Honey- Occasionally, maybe every week and a half, I put raw honey on my skin before moisturizing. You rub it in and leave it on for a little while, 10-20 minutes and then rinse it off with warm water.

Hands- I often use a lot of my face products on my hands when I remember. I personally believe the clearest signs of aging are on people’s necks and hands (even after plastic surgery). Why not treat them like you treat your face?

Morning:

Dr. Hauschka Cleansing  Milk- I wash my face in the shower in the morning; the steam will really pop open your pores.

Dr. Hauschka Facial Toner- Using the rougher side of the cloth wipe I use the toner on my skin and down my neck. Toner is also nice after you work out to wipe off the sweat.

Dr. Hauschka Normalizing Day Oil- I apply about 5 drops all over my face, even my nose! I know it sounds counterproductive to put oil on your face; however, the over production of oil is usually due to dryness. Also, oily skin doesn’t wrinkle as early on as dry skin (the only benefit of oily skin). I find that this stuff causes my face to be less oily throughout the day; in fact, I never have a shiny nose. I am sure most people would be concerned about breaking out from this. I break out from coconut oil on my face, but not this oil.

Kiss my Face- I use this as my all over body lotion when I come out of the shower

Mama Bee Belly Butter- I use this while pregnant on my belly, backside and chest, any area where stretch marks are possible….sometimes even my thighs.

The only downfall to this skin care morning routine is that it doesn’t include sunscreen. Although I am not a crazy supporter of the 100 spf sunscreen nation, I do like a little protection on my face. However, this is something that can be added when needed.

Morning Makeup:

Bare minimum for me means eyebrows and eyelashes. I think I was supposed to be albino. Although my skin is light, I am not insanely fair and my hair is dark. However, my eyebrows, eyelashes and the hair on my body is blond. The only benefit is I can get away with waxing my eyebrows three times a year. I look weird without eyebrow shadow and mascara so those are the two things I usually wear no matter what.

This is my arsenal of make-up I use every day that I go out in public. It takes me about 5 minutes to put my “face” on. My makeup is very light. Obviously, what I do varies depending on the day and season. I don’t wear blush year round, and I don’t wear lipstick every day.

Peace Keeper Eco-Sensual Lipbalm- This is a lip moisturizer; I actually usually put it on right after I use my toner.

Eyes:

Stila Smudge Crayon Eye Primer- I put this all over my eyelids to hold the shadow and liner on throughout the day. I have chronic dry eye and use eye drops throughout the day, this prevents me from looking like a raccoon.

Dr. Hauschka Liner- I put this on top and bottom lids and smudge it a little. As I said, this stuff stays on very well for someone who is always putting eye drops in.

Anastasia Brow Powder Duo- I prefer powder to an eyebrow pencil; it looks way more natural.

Doir Eyeshadow- I have always used this stuff, and I like it a lot. It stays in place, and it isn’t too bold.

Alima Pure Eyeshadow (luminous shimmer)- This is my new favorite, I have their shimmery line, and it isn’t ridiculous for every day use. It stays on well throughout the day.

Mascara:      

Stila- This has a nice thick brush and stays on nicely.

                       

Dr. Hauschka- Sometimes I use this on top of Stilla because it  separates lashes very well. I bought this first, but the alcohol  (I assume that’s what it is) in it made my eyes tear up when I applied it, so now I just use it sparingly. It is a great product though; I think I just have sensitive eyes.

Face:

Alima Pure Concealer- I only use this if I have a pimple

Alima Pure Satin Matte Foundation- I love this foundation, and especially love the brush they make as it is extra soft and according to their website, good for sensitive skin. It covers nicely, but lightly and minimizes the look of pores without clogging them like Bareminerals.

Tarte Bronzer- I lightly apply this just about every day as a nice little color pop and healthy glow.
 

Tarte Natural Cheek Stain- This is not only a great creamy blush, but also can be used as lip-gloss!

Peace Keeper Lipstick- This lipstick is nice and doesn’t make my lips look all dry and peely. I maybe use it 2 times a week.

Obviously it is important to do your own research with different products. Both Dr. Hauschka and Alima pure have sample sizes that you can order and try out (Dr. Hauschka it’s a travel pack). Tarte and Stila are available at Sephora if you want to try it and have the option of returning it if you don't like it. See what you like best.

           

A-Z (okay, maybe Y) of "off-the-beatten-path" Family Friendly Foods

I came across an article on Parenting.com that was a list of “off-the-beaten-path food for toddlers A-Z” Although some foods were off the beaten path (B is for Black Strap Molasses) most I found to be pretty standard things that I think maybe people don’t think to feed their kids but aren’t something someone would give you a funny look for (K- Kiwi, D-Date, P-Pumpkin). I’m not knocking any of these foods, but it got me thinking about what are some real “off-the-beaten-path” things that I feed myself or my family? So here is my “off-the-beaten-path” list. I didn’t go insanely off the path because I think they should be readily, or fairly readily available foods. Disclaimer: Everything has pros and cons that you have use your own judgment in weigh. In addition, I am not a doctor nor am I a nutritionist…I’m just a mom who reads up on things. So here they are:

A: Adzuki Beans: These are little red beans that make for a yummy vegan breakfast a friend taught me about by combining them with brown or wild rice and dates to make a sort of porridge (I throw in chia seeds too). They are a nutty sweet bean with great benefits in the bowl department due to their magnesium and fiber content. They are also rich in zinc and iron. Bean in general are fairly magical!

B: Black Strap Molasses- I am keeping this suggestion because it is a new find for me. It is high in calcium and iron. As a family that doesn’t consume milk, this is a great option to add to our food to sneak in a little extra calcium. You can cook kale with it, or add it to a shake. (Runner up: Beets/Borchet)

C: Chia Seeds- These are not just for pets. They are a wonderful seed that is easy to sneak into things, and it is high in protein, contain omega-3, help balance sugar, cholesterol fighter. I often add chia seeds to quinoa and rice. (Runner up: Coconut Oil)

D: Date Paste- Parenting.com says dates. I say dates are great, but date paste is a little more off the path and certainly an awesome sweetener. You can blend it into shakes, almond milk or bake with it.

E: Elderberry- Elderberry isn’t really something that I would eat, but it is a wonderful defense against colds that is safe and readily available. I generally mix elderberry with coldeeze when I feel a cold coming on mix it with room temperature water and chug it.

F: Flax Seed Oil- With a yummy, nutty flavor, flax seed oil is a nice addition to most dishes. I usually just squirt some into our shakes, or on our food instead of olive oil. It is another source of omega 3’s and fiber.

G: Goats Milk- If you are going to consume milk, goats milk is the most easily digested milk. If it the most similar to human milk and when breast milk isn’t available it is wonderful for a formula substitute (there are tons of recipes for that on line). It is also possible to get fresh goats milk in most states where fresh cows milk is illegal. (Runner up: Goji Berries)

H: Honey (raw)- Raw honey, especially local, helps fight allergies, but my favorite place for honey is in my cosmetic bag. Raw honey is a wonderful hair treatment that can be used to slowly lighten your hair. It also is wonderful on your skin for minimizing pores and acne scaring (I mix it with coconut oil and make a mask).

I: Injera Bread- Later on I have teff on the list, so maybe this isn’t fair because it’s main ingredient is teff, but it is a lovely, light and gluten free bread like option.

J: Japonica Black Rice- This is a nice alternative to brown or wild rice. Although “Japonica” is kind of cheating because it is a trademark name, it is an ancient type of rice that has made a resurgence.

K: Kale- Certainly growing in popularity, kale is a great source of calcium. I personally hate kale chips, but there are other options like raw kale salads, cooked kale, kale in a smoothie.

L: Lotus Root- A very low calorie root vegetable, so it satisfies that carby craving without the calories. It is a complex carb and high in fiber which is great for blood sugar. It is also very high in vitamin C.

M: Mushrooms- Just about the only vegan food that is naturally a great source of vitamin D…no fortification here. Mushrooms come in many varieties that appeal to different taste buds and different nutritional needs.

N: Nato- This is not something that I eat personally as I avoid soy and can’t get over my memories of the smell of my mom eating it as a child (dirty socks). However, it’s worth mentioning as it is a little known “super food” which is high in both K1 and K2. K2 is hard to find (it’s mostly in bacteria, yuk) but really prevents bone loss by some pretty drastic numbers. Nato is basically fermented soy beans.

O: Oolong- Although not as amazing as green tea, oolong does have many of the same benefits without the intense flavor. I personally get pretty instant stomach cramps from green tea, so I find oolong to be a nice alternative.

P: Persimmon- An often overlooked and rather delicious fruit, I didn’t have my first persimmon until I was 30 years old and decided to buy one for my son.

Q: Quinoa- Completely mainstream and perhaps not really “off-the-beaten-path” now, but still one of my favorite grains. Quinoa is very versatile and wonderfully high in protein. It is also an easy sell for most people because it is a fluffy light grain and not to different from couscous in texture.

R: Rainbow Trout- Very similar looking to salmon, in fact the first time I bought it I pointed to it thinking it was salmon. The flavor is much more mild than salmon. (with all seafood, wild caught is obviously preferred and in my opinion with certain fish, the only option (especially salmon))

S: Sauerkraut/Kimchi- Fermented cabbage has amazing enzymes that help the body to digest more efficiently. I try to consume a cup of sauerkraut a few times a week, even better would be daily.

T: Teff- I fell in love with teff the first time I had Ethiopian food. It is used to make a very yummy, spongy bread called injera. Teff makes a very delicious sweet, warm cereal. It is a great source of iron and fiber.

U: Ugly Fruit- A citrus fruit that packs vitamin C and protein it is somewhere between an orange and a grapefruit (though I can’t stand grapefruit so obviously it’s not that close to one in flavor)

V: Vinegar- Okay, okay, so I use vinegar every day and go through TONS of it, but I hardly every actually consume it, though my son LOVES vinegary foods like cucumber salad and pickled beets. Vinegar is my cleaning lady. It can be used to safely clean just about anything. I clean my son’s toys and sometimes even his hands with it. Half water and half white vinegar in a spray bottle goes a long way. My husband hates vinegar and the smell nauseates him so I started adding a few drops of orange oil into my cleaning solution. This also helped because while pregnant anytime I cleaned all I wanted was salt and vinegar potato chips.

W: Water from the Tap- The more I look around me the more I see that this one is WAY off the beaten path. Tap water has gotten a bad name thanks to the wonderful advertising bottled water companies do. Tap water is tested more often than bottled water and is much more closely monitored. I’m not going to even get into the trash that comes from all of the bottles or the chemicals in the plastic or the cost.

X: Xylitol- This is something that really is only good and safe in very small doses and may just be the lesser of evils. I love chewing gum, so xylitol offers a safe option to sugar or fake sweeteners. It also has antibacterial elements to it, which is great for killing bad breath.

Y: Yucca- Is a root vegetable that is an amazing anti-inflammatory. I have made it like chips (similar to fried plantains) or as more of a mashed potato (comes out very gooey). They are pretty readily available in ALL supermarkets in my area.

Z: (Runner up according to my husband: Little Debbie’s Zebra Cakes) ….I honestly have nothing for this one. The only “z” I eat is zucchini, and it is certainly not off the beaten path.

Stradling the Fridge

Food glorious food...the more you read about food and nutrition the more it seems like your only options are water and air, and even those seem rather scary. We are currently going through a milk dilemma, which I will talk about once I get a handle on my feelings about that for my family, but when it comes to food, sometimes it seems like ignorance is bliss.

I have always had difficulty with straddling the line between health and enjoyment. As I've gotten older I have learned to LOVE vegetables, but I think most of this love comes from knowing how good they are for me. It takes time to accept health over enjoyment. While I don't think food is meant to be enjoyed as it is just sustenance, it is the world we live in and frankly, there are some things that are absolutely delicious. So, as an adult I can logic and reason and take complete responsibility for my weight, however, how does one do this with children?

I was not allowed to have sugared cereal except for maybe once a year, but I also never learned portion control. There is something to be said for allowing some "forbidden fruit" so children learn to control urges. At the same time, I can't explain to my son that candy has white sugar that isn't really meant to be processed by our bodies and elevates our blood sugar and stores as fat and we have diabetes in the family and so on and so on...he's 16 months old! I understand it and sometimes it is still a difficult choice to make.

The second issue is, what is safe? It is difficult to decide what is "worth" what. Yeah, cows milk is a quick and easy source of calcium, protein and fat for my kid, but it's also a source of cow pus and blood. Beans are a wonderful and healthy source of protein and fiber, but my son will have uncomfortable gas if he eats too much.

There is enough for moms to get hung up on and drive ourselves crazy about, do we really need to be hung up on food? I'd love to feed my son whole organic foods and beef that was raised in healthy happy fields with classical music being played as they were slaughtered. The fact of the matter is, he's going to go to parties, he's going to sometimes buy a school lunch, he's going to live in the world of microwaves and potato chips...I need to teach him how to live among it.

It is 1:30 and so far Jack's food has gone like this:

• Breakfast: 4 ounces of water, 1 cup of "cheerios" (some gluten free organic fake cheerios, lightly sugared with pomegranate juice (lovely and pretentious)), a bowl of applesauce and cinnamon

• A few hours later he had a cup of half almond milk and half water

• While I was baking dessert for passover he broke into the pantry and had a handful of dried fruit (blueberries, cranberries and prunes), and I gave him a dark chocolate chip and a marshmallow to try from the brownies I was making

• Lunch: 1 cup of organic kidney beans with garlic and olive oil, diced tomatoes with olive oil and sea salt (left over from a salad), and a cup of fruit salad (grapes, blueberries, and strawberries (all lovingly organic))

• Before his nap he had a handful of goldfish

In retrospect how do I feel? Well, a few months ago or pre having a child I'd feel bad about the marshmallow and the goldfish (it's funny that the chocolate chip doesn't bother me at all)

How does Jack feel? Happy, content, and full enough to be napping right now.

The fact that my kid can have 1 chocolate chip and walk away and keep playing makes me proud...I probably shoved 10 in my mouth while baking. Should I have used flax seed oil over olive? Should I have used fresh garlic? Should I have given him home made beans instead of rinsed organic canned? Yes, probably yes to all of these things...but is my ultimate goal being met?

Are 90% of his calories coming from healthy/nutritious foods?         YES
Is he learning healthy foods can be yummy?                                  YES (he loved them more than the chocolate)
Is he learning self-control?                                                            YES, appears so

Overall, there is a fine line between sheltering and exposing. If I don't expose him, he won't know how to deal with life's obstacles?

*Jack finished the day with a dinner of wild salmon and flounder, broccoli, and banana. Oh, and a taste of the passover brownies I made (which he enjoyed but walked away from to point at the bananas and scream "nanners") In the course of a life time, does a handful of goldfish or non-organic dried garlic really matter?


I'd feel like I was not doing my civil duty if I did not include infomration on honest food labeling (which for those of you who don't know, there are plenty of misnomers on our food that are government approved).
This is a link to the Coalition for Honest Food Labeling:

Parenting by any other name would…still be loving your child

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What camp are you from? Are you a Dr. Sear’s follower, or do you believe in Babywise? Are you Vax-er? CD-er? BF-er? Babywearer? Which acronym defines us as parents? We subscribe to a camp of thought, a group of beliefs that begin to define our parenting, define us.  To the internet world of mommy groups I’d probably be considered an AP CD-er who vaxes and babywears.  To me, I’m a mom who loves my son and leads with my gut. Seeing as though we like to subscribe names and labels to things, understandably, I’d like to say that I am a “natural” mom, but I don’t think that is the term. Even that term could imply things that aren’t true about my parenting. I vax and my kid consumes chemical laden goldfish daily.  My ideals coincide with Attachment Parenting, but I don’t co-sleep and I don’t leap over furniture to grab my son if he is crying, though I do go to him. Which parent am I?

I started thinking about this when my husband was up late one night researching the Ferber method. Why? I have no clue, my son sleeps fine and we never ferberized him. Maybe a little background is necessary, my husband cringes and shuts down if I start a sentence with “Dr. Sears” or “Attachment Parenting”. He apparently set out to see what the whole Cry it Out verse rocking your child argument was all about. He approached me the next day, hesitantly, to inform me of the research he found discounting attachment parenting and it’s scientific research claims. Then he went on about how, with the next baby, we shouldn’t read any books and should just do what feels right. I laughed. Little did he know, other than reading things to support what I was already doing and reassure myself, I read very little in the realm of how to raise a child. Between the wonderful things I watched my sister do with her kids, the way I was raised and my gut I found my way. He seemed relieved, “But I thought you were an AP Mom?” Yes, if I am in a room with moms I know that if I need to identify myself as something, saying I am AP will get most of my points across. Saying I am AP will let people know most of my philosophies and the intentions of my parenting. However, I am not an AP mom…I am an instinctual mom. I parent from my heart and monitor my heart with my mind.

Society convinces women that they are not capable of parenting without a book, and they cannot give birth without a class. Books and classes are great, but a parent can’t survive googling every choice. I believe you need to parent from the hip (both literally wearing baby there and shooting from there). Although I owned plenty of books to consult, I found it overwhelming to read them before I had my son. So, I consulted them at different points. When Jack suddenly started waking up in at 4am around 6 months, when I heard someone say that I should get him off the bottle at a year. I felt certain responses in my gut, consulted books and google and then inevitably, went with my gut. Fortunately parenting is NOT a science and because of that, it is possible to find articles to support any of your beliefs and reassure you that you are doing the right thing.

We need to support each other and develop a new way of thinking. Maybe, just maybe, we know how to raise great kids, productive members of society, without anyone else’s input but our own. Just maybe, we are born with this knowledge. We don’t need names for what we do, because in the end we all do the same exact thing, love our children.

There is a fugus amoung us...

I spied on my list of 8 month+ safe foods MUSHROOMS! Seeing as though every man I have ever met (aside from my brother) has a deep seeded hatred for mushrooms, I thought I would do Jack's future wife a favor and get him hooked on them early. Little did I know how awesome mushrooms are! Not only do mushrooms help immunity with their beta-glutens and antioxidants, but they are the only non-animal (or non-sun) natural source of vitamin D!

I decided not to start too fancy and went with organic white mushrooms. Because part of the great thing about making your own food is introducing your baby to foods they will grow up eating in your house, I decided to make mushrooms the way I normally make them for myself, with zucchini and garlic (both of which he has already had).

I would normally saute these veggies with olive oil. However, since baking keeps in more nutrients, I decided to bake them. I took some of the skin off of the zuccini because it is a little hard to puree, but I kept some on because it is where most of the nutrients are kept. Don't worry about the seeds. They are so soft and small they blend right up. Make sure you wash the mushrooms VERY well, even if they are organic. I rough cut everything, sprinkled some garlic on top, and baked it at 350, covered for about an hour.

I let it cool over night, blended it up (didn't need to add water, just used the natural juices).
And...ta-da:

I can't compare this to store bought because there is no store bought mushroom baby food. However, I will say, it tasted yummy and cost about $0.25 an ounce!

Jack was a HUGE fan!

Overnight Peeing Machine

Jack has always been a heavy wetter. Throw on top of that an 8 ounce bottle and 12 hours on his stomach and what do you get? Fresh sheets EVERY day! I am sick of changing sheets, doing laundry and frankly, the wet hug I get every morning when I pick him up out of his crib. So what is a girl to do? Experiment.

At about 5 months this issue started. First, we solved it by double diapering, one facing forward and one backward to cover his stomach. That was great for a few weeks. Then we moved to Huggies Overnights, our godsend! That worked up until a few weeks ago at around 7 months. I CD during the day, but won't give up my Huggie Overnights, well now that they have failed, I am willing to explore our options. Many people suggested wool. First, I do not knit or crochet and secondly, I find wool uncomfortable on my skin, no matter how fancy or soft it is.

So, let the games begin:

Night 1:
Huggies Overnights with a microfiber insert inside of them stuffed into a pocket diaper (yes the Huggies diaper was stuffed inside of the pocket diaper)...very creative I know....Epic Fail!!! In fact he peed all over more than ever.

Night 2:
He skipped a bottle so I decided to just do the good ol' Huggie...it mostly worked, there was some pee on his onzie, but nothing soaked through to his pj's or sheets.

Night 3:
People kept telling me about diaper boosters or liners. They are basically like an extra maxi-pad you put inside of a disposable diaper. Okay, so I folded up a prefold and placed it inside of the Huggies Overnight. This seemed to work pretty well, but I was running out of Huggies Overnights and was determined to find another method without having to buy more diapers.

Night 4:
Success! With complicated folding, tucking and 3 inserts....it worked! So here is my cloth-overnight-stomach-sleeper-OMG-this-boy-can-pee solution!

I used bumGenius pocket diapers (though one night I used a Kawaii Baby and it worked fine) The inserts are a mix of bumGenius and Kawaii. You have to use a diaper with a strip of the outside fabric on the top inside. This prevents pouring out onto the rest of their stomach. You can see what I mean by the strip here at the inside top of a bumGenius. (Kawaii Baby diapers also have this strip)

Here is the layout on the outside (bottom left). This is with only two inserts. When I use only two inserts I put a prefold on him as well. As you can see in the front view (bottom right) they get so full I have to leave all of the snaps open (where I normally have him on the lowest setting). This way the diaper goes up high on him and covers his stomach that usually gets wet.

Here is how I get all three inserts in...

Now, I am sure that this isn't going to be full proof. I have no clue what I am going to do when he gets bigger, since I have the diapers on the largest setting, but this works great for now! As you may have guessed, these things are HUGE! Jack looks like his tushie is in the front of his body, but he sleeps like a baby!

It's Never too Late to Lactate!

Imagine this...your child is born from an un-medicated, pain free birth and the doctor puts the child on your chest. This beautiful newborn locks eyes with you, falls in love and nuzzles its way to your breast where it latches on and drinks the sweet milk you made just for him. This was exactly what my experience was going to be. It's pretty much what the breastfeeding class said was going to happen. I would then go on to exclusively breastfeed my son until he was done with it. If I came across any issues, which I wouldn't because it is so natural and easy, I was giving birth in a "pro-breastfeeding" hospital so they would help...in case the sarcasm wasn't clear, this was NOT my experience. In fact, my experience was basically nurses slamming my son onto my boob, commenting on my nipples, a nurse pulling out every artificial piece of equipment my insurance would pay for, and excuse after excuse as to why the lactation consultant couldn't see me.

I left the hospital convincing myself that Jack was doing fine with nursing and went home. The first night Jack had pink powdery urine. We googled it and were informed by the great authority of Google that he was dehydrated, that combined with no wet diaper in the last 12 hours we freaked out and gave him a bottle of some formula that we got in the mail (those sneaky formula companies). He slept and seemed fine, the next feeding I tried to nurse him and he screamed. That was it, I wasn't going to torture my newborn baby so I gave him a bottle. I called the LC at the hospital the next morning, crying hysterically about my formula fed baby. She told me to pump every 2 hours to get my milk to come in and to get nipple shields. Pumping every 2 hours when you are home alone with a newborn is near impossible. Every time I sat down to pump, he cried...I resigned myself to not breastfeeding. I cried every day about it. I think I was more emotional about this than I have been about anything in my life, even someone dear to me dying. I felt like a failure, a mutant...I questioned whether I was committed enough to my child, and whether our relationship was doomed.

About 2-3 weeks later I took my son to his doctor because he had mucus and blood in his stool. It turned out he had, still has, a milk protein allergy and needed special formula. I was crushed, I was convinced that if I breastfed, it would not have happened. I started to read online about relactating. This is something so rarely talked about that even my computer thinks that it isn't a word and marks it with a red-dotted line. This IS a word. In fact there have been cases of adoptive mothers relactating and breast feeding their adopted child.

Now that the initial overwhelming new baby chaos was dying down, I was committed to do this and saw it as a second chance. So this is what I did (this was about 3 weeks postpartum)

• I rented a hospital grade pump from Babies R Us. This cost me about $80 a month and the flange and tubing kit was about $45 (should have kept the kit from the hospital)
• I went on a dairy-free diet
• I pumped every 2 hours 24/7, this meant setting my alarm at night and getting up to pump
• I did 1 power pump a day (pumping for 10 minutes on, 10 minutes off for an entire hour)
• I took 3 pills of fenugreek and blessed thistle 3 times a day! (I smelled like honey)
• If Jack wouldn't let me put him down, I was able to hold him in the Bjorn while pumping
• I did at least 1 hour a day of skin to skin
• When I gave him a bottle I did it in cradle hold position and put the bottle near my armpit, like it was my breast
• I would try to get Jack to latch, but until I was producing more, he wasn't so interested
• Once he began to latch I did a few nursing vacations. This is where you spend the day in bed with the baby latched most of the day and nursing continually. It is great for building supply and a sweet bonding time.

The first few days I got nothing, but still pumped. After that I would get drops here and there. After a few weeks I was getting maybe an ounce total. I called a lactation consultant. She set me up with a nipple shield and an SNS. I fed Jack his formula from the SNS and got him to latch. At about 2 months old I had him latching without the SNS (with the nipple shield). He still needed formula as I was not producing enough. At my best, Jack was getting about 75% breastmilk. Not bad for not breast feeding for the first month of his life.

With a baby already suseptable to prefering the bottle, when I went back to work when he was 4 months we developed issues again. He would cry hysterically when I tried to latch him and push away. He just wanted a bottle. Between this and the fact that I didn't pump well (never more than an ounce each side), my heart broke and after long talks with the lactation consultant and a local LLL leader, I threw in the towel. I still consider this a relactating success story, and don't want wishful moms looking for hope to be disappointed. I am fully confident that if I had not gone back to work at this critical time in our nursing relationship, I would have continued to breast feed fine.

Many months and almost $500 later (lactation consultant and pump rental), what am I left with? Well I am not left with the breastfeeding experience I imagined. I am not left with a breastfed baby that I sweetly nurse to sleep every night. Honestly, I am still left with shoulda, coulda, woulda's, guilt, and sadness. However, I am also left with an amazing, healthy, intelligent, cuddly child, and a wealth of knowledge, commitment, and conviction for my next breastfeeding experience. I am glad that I had the few months of nursing that I had.

I hate the looks I get from nursing mothers when I pull out my formula and bottle. I know they think I don't care, wasn't strong enough, or gave up. Little do they know what I went through and did. I think this experience has given me an awesome new appreciation for how people provide for their children. The lessons that I have learned from this experience are innumerable. Most importantly, I learned that life doesn't have to be one way or the other, a happy medium sometimes is just right. Even if that happy medium is actually settling, and maybe not what you really wanted, the perspective of being in the middle makes the paths to both ends much more visible for next time.

This is a picture of Jack during one of our nursing vacations when he was about 2.5 months old.